In between Sarcasm & Truth

It is Mothers' Day.
If possible, we are all supposed to be happy.
And shite do I know where to begin?

Lemme think about it.
Everything that I am gonna say is gonna be filled with anger,sadness and then familiarity.

I don't need to recount how much I dislike really to see that parents didn't enjoy themselves like most other should.
We didn't even have the time to go out for weekend dinner and so.
I would be grateful to see them both at home when I reached home.
I even grow to dislike staying with other families and be happy with them.
"What about mine? What about mine!" I kept asking.

It is Mothers' Day today.
I decided to cook something for my mum to eat before she comes home for work and then back to OT again.
(And decided not to join them for celebration anyway. But that's another matter altogether)
How long I haven't been having dinner at home is how long she has been doing double shift and even more.
I knew I can't cook.
But I decided to give it a shoot anyway. Something simple and filling, hopefully nice too.
I wanted to cook fishball porridge,which I heard was sweet and nice and babies like it(Ha...).Coupled with canned peanuts and the leftover chicken in the fridge should be enough.

I woke up way before that to iron her uniforms and jeans.
Bathe and stuck in consideration should I really go.
I knew I could escape the chores and make a few faces happy if I put down my pride and turn up.
I thought of heading home earlier and buy a cake if I had chose to go.

Somehow I decided not afterall.
Partly due to I wasn't ready to put down what I felt, wasn't ready to smile, wasn't ready to 'entertain' everyone else who are there and wasn't ready to not see my mum on Mothers' Day.

Holy surprise it was that my mum reached home slightly later than I did(after the grocery shop) with bags from NTUC.
It turned up that she thought she could don't do OT today as her supervisor(fucking one!) didn't turn up at 3pm and tell her to.
She really decided not to do OT today anyway. Double shift everyday? I was ready to sue them anytime.

So she took over the knife and chopping board.
There's dinner tonight! I was suddenly happy. Even though I wasn't the one cooking but my food could be wrong anyway.

Halfway sweeping the floor, I heard the bad news.
Her supervisor called and she couldn't reject anyway.
She hung the phone with the silent 'fuck' outta her mouth.
Man, she does know how to cuss that F word.

She finished the whole cooking. I knew she feels very sad.Cos' I am.
I stayed in the kitchen and watched her cooked.
I felt utterly useless and am very angry with my brothers, especially the one whose back from England and the same one I called fuckin' useless.

I con'td with my sweeping and mopping. I have long stop asking any of them to do housework. They can't even lift a finger to wash a cup.
I guess the younger one ain't that bad. At least he does things under my orders ...sometimes.
He is not that bad. Just with that elder one, it is difficult.

I blame myself for looking my elder brother at such light.
Last night, I dreamt that he is suddenly dead and sort of die suddenly infront of me. What I thought was like normal choking led to an abrupt death.
I kept crying.Tried to move on and cried at the thought that he is suddenly gone and right infront of me,I didn't do anything.
I woke up before the sun shines in.

I hardly call him 'kor' nowadays.
I hardly look at him and when I did, I realised he 'dare not' look at me?
My tone is almost cold everytime.

Damn and I blamed myself!

But I am disgusted that how can he be so useless? What's his contributions and what he has ever done to thank his parents,and that is what I am most concerned with!

After a quick bite, my mum went to work.
I finished the chores. Gave $20 to my younger bro and tasked him to buy a cake later.
Good lad he is that he at least know how to fork up $10 more to buy a bigger cake.Though ta bigger one is unnecessary and really cake only serves it's duty as a thought. The consumption of it is only secondary. Though our breakfast is save for a couple of days.

I bathed and suddenly cried. It was only silent wails and I am pretty sure that I didn't teared. It's only water from the tap and it didn't last too long. Guess it was Pink's Family Portrait's fault.

So now it's pretty silent again. My brother revising his stuff outside the house, half admiring the scenary.
The other one went to AMK to buy more games DVD and pirated somemore, I guess.

And I guess that I do owed you an apology afterall.
I knew you hate how I always turned silent for no reasons.
And damn I hate how you always used sarcasm as defence and attack.

I thought that is how I always am? A spolit brat only in your prescence.
And it that how you are always?

To be fair,I am not putting the whole load on you.
Sarcasm is so only natural in anger and I knew we only used it cos' we care.
If not, why do we even bother?

In the midst of what I typed above, your message came.
I swore I know that a 5 year old is up to something since last Sunday. I really know she planned something, be it for me or not.
I know that she could be sad and your message came.
It spelt clearly that you are trying to tell how dissapointed that I decided not to turn up afterall and then you told me what a lovely innocent thing that a 5 year old angel did.
I am disappointed too.

Today's Mothers' Day.
I felt disgusted if I didn't stay home instead. Probably it doesnt matter anyhow since she has to do OT anyway.
Expect me to smile instead if I am singing Mothers' Day song with all the mothers that really aren't mine?

I am sad to realise that my parents are still my top priority in life.
No matter how much I gave and try to do, I still didn't feel I did enough and guess the day never comes.

I guess I am still owing that apology.
Although you had apologise so many times but I know you really feel that you didn't feel you have to. Cos' right from last night, I did it again.

I gotta have my dinner.
At least my mum cooked tonight.
When she comes home, I hope that she will still be comforted that the yearly ritual didn't die out yet.
Bring out the cake,sing the song, put the cake back and it serves at breakfast.
At least there's a carnation.

Well..
Sorry and don't expect me to talk for sometime.

You are disappointed that I didn't turn up and how I always kept my silence in torment of you.
I am disappointed that I thought you already accepted how I always am and then never it is.I know unfair trade but who is fair? Or what is?

Family Portrait

And I thought we could like that forever.
Things do changed.